When you have bickering bridesmaids, and there doesn't seem to be any way you can get them to agree on plans, you can't get one to show up for shopping trips, one has a bad attitude, and another *hates* your sister over something that happened years ago, there's one question to ask yourself:
Would these women be friends with each other, independent of their relationship with me?
Some people are just too different to get along. They are never going to work well together because their personalities clash. You can't make them love each other.
And that's great news! You can stop stressing yourself out over your fantasy of having a bridal party that becomes best friends, and you'll all hang out together in the future, go on vacations together, etc. Just forget about that. You'll find that if you just keep your focus on what needs to get done for the wedding, you'll have a LOT more strength of your own, because you're not striving for something that's not realistic.
While it would be nice if they all worked together well, it might be that they have to be civil to each other, co-exist the best they can, and then be done with each other after the wedding. They'll all still be important to you, but it's not going to be a mini sorority. You'd be surprised at how much energy some brides put into trying to achieve that.
So let go. And let the peace flow back into your planning experience.
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copied from iVillage ~ wedding expert Sharon Naylor
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Uh oh. Your bridesmaids are arguing about the budget for your bridal shower (or bachelorette party) -- something you're not supposed to play a part in planning -- and it's getting ugly. Again, this group of very different women has to team up for a common goal -- the success of a party in your honor -- and you can see that they're not gelling.
Rather than step in as the peacemaker, or try to take control away from all of them, you may just have to sit back and let them figure it out. They're adults who have to find their own compromises. This is where the Maid of Honor comes into play. When you hear that there's conflict among the bridesmaids over your party, suggest to your Maid of Honor that she take the reins and set down some boundaries. MOH's are sometimes scared to take an authority position, especially when it comes to your sisters, friends and your groom's sisters, but you can encourage yours to stop the madness with an e-mail to all, reminding them that this party is in your honor, and that compromises can be reached through better communication. She can ask them to e-mail HER with questions or concerns, and she'll get right on it. [Sometimes battles occur because 'your side' complains among themselves while the groom's sisters who don't know the MOH and don't want to complain to you talk amongst themselves.] you can help solve the problem by giving the MOH permission to name herself the head of the team. Here's a note for her to send, if she wishes:
"Hello all! I just wanted to touch base about the shower plans. I understand there's some concern about the budget, so I'm going to look into hosting the party at a different location. It doesn't look like we can comfortably afford the catering bill at the country club, so an at-home party will likely be a better solution for us. In the meantime, let's talk about some great budget ways to handle the invitations, the cake and other fun details. And let's think about what (bride) would enjoy the most when it comes to games. E-mail me with your questions or suggestions anytime, and we'll all work together to make this party great for (bride)! Or, call me at (number) on the weekends. Have a great day!"
Your MOH (maid of honor)will return the focus to this party being for YOU, and no one can complain about being invited to participate in the planning.
Which brings up an important point: what if it's the MOH (maid of honor) who's being a control freak about the party plans, and the bridesmaids consider HER the problem? You'll have to step in and tell your MOH that you appreciate everything she's doing to plan a great party for you, but you're concerned that the other bridesmaids aren't as involved as they wish to be. Never say, "You're leaving them out" or anything that would make the MOH defensive. Just state Solution Lines, such as "I thought you'd want to know that Stacy's really great at making invitations, and Barbara makes wonderful desserts. I think it would be wonderful to have their contributions to the party, and I think everyone would love the savings, too." If she says, "Well, that doesn't fit into what I've envisioned!" then you're going to have to take a tougher stand: "It wouldn't be fair to ask the bridesmaids to pay for what you're coming up with, so please just step back a little and work with them as a team. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about you or misinterpret what you're doing. I know you just want to plan a great party for me, but I'm sensing they're feeling a little bit left out."
That part about 'getting the wrong idea about you' usually stops the control freak. Because a control freak wants to be....in control, and admired for her work. A good friend can give this warning and get good results. You have to phrase it diplomatically, though. In this case, your words are very important!
By Sharon Naylor, a wedding expert at iVillage
Don't forget to visit Merrys Wedding at the end of this article
Rather than step in as the peacemaker, or try to take control away from all of them, you may just have to sit back and let them figure it out. They're adults who have to find their own compromises. This is where the Maid of Honor comes into play. When you hear that there's conflict among the bridesmaids over your party, suggest to your Maid of Honor that she take the reins and set down some boundaries. MOH's are sometimes scared to take an authority position, especially when it comes to your sisters, friends and your groom's sisters, but you can encourage yours to stop the madness with an e-mail to all, reminding them that this party is in your honor, and that compromises can be reached through better communication. She can ask them to e-mail HER with questions or concerns, and she'll get right on it. [Sometimes battles occur because 'your side' complains among themselves while the groom's sisters who don't know the MOH and don't want to complain to you talk amongst themselves.] you can help solve the problem by giving the MOH permission to name herself the head of the team. Here's a note for her to send, if she wishes:
"Hello all! I just wanted to touch base about the shower plans. I understand there's some concern about the budget, so I'm going to look into hosting the party at a different location. It doesn't look like we can comfortably afford the catering bill at the country club, so an at-home party will likely be a better solution for us. In the meantime, let's talk about some great budget ways to handle the invitations, the cake and other fun details. And let's think about what (bride) would enjoy the most when it comes to games. E-mail me with your questions or suggestions anytime, and we'll all work together to make this party great for (bride)! Or, call me at (number) on the weekends. Have a great day!"
Your MOH (maid of honor)will return the focus to this party being for YOU, and no one can complain about being invited to participate in the planning.
Which brings up an important point: what if it's the MOH (maid of honor) who's being a control freak about the party plans, and the bridesmaids consider HER the problem? You'll have to step in and tell your MOH that you appreciate everything she's doing to plan a great party for you, but you're concerned that the other bridesmaids aren't as involved as they wish to be. Never say, "You're leaving them out" or anything that would make the MOH defensive. Just state Solution Lines, such as "I thought you'd want to know that Stacy's really great at making invitations, and Barbara makes wonderful desserts. I think it would be wonderful to have their contributions to the party, and I think everyone would love the savings, too." If she says, "Well, that doesn't fit into what I've envisioned!" then you're going to have to take a tougher stand: "It wouldn't be fair to ask the bridesmaids to pay for what you're coming up with, so please just step back a little and work with them as a team. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about you or misinterpret what you're doing. I know you just want to plan a great party for me, but I'm sensing they're feeling a little bit left out."
That part about 'getting the wrong idea about you' usually stops the control freak. Because a control freak wants to be....in control, and admired for her work. A good friend can give this warning and get good results. You have to phrase it diplomatically, though. In this case, your words are very important!
By Sharon Naylor, a wedding expert at iVillage
Don't forget to visit Merrys Wedding at the end of this article
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Your bridesmaids might have strong opinions about what they will wear for your wedding, and while you know that bridesmaids can choose a design that flatters them best, such as one bridesmaid wearing a strapless top while another wears a halter to support her better, sometimes that's not enough to silence the bickering.
Your bridesmaids might have an issue with the color you've chosen. One might say the color washes her out, while the other feels she'd never be able to wear that color of dress again. And the other four *love* the color you want. So what do you do in this situation? You know you can't try to please everyone, but you're in an awful spot here. You don't want to force your bridesmaids to buy a dress they hate, and you definitely don't want your bridal party split into warring factions -- The Pink Team vs. The Blue Team. It seems like a problem that cannot be solved, and the bridesmaids are getting steamed.
First, stop the discussion right now. Send out an e-mail to all of your bridesmaids that says -- very diplomatically -- "Okay, I'm sensing that we have some conflict about the dress color." You've just taken a very important first step: you avoided naming names or making a blame statement like, 'Since you all can't agree on a dress color....' You've taken control back and stopped the e-mail war between them.
Here's your next step: "Why don't you all take a look at different shades of green that you like, send them to me via e-mail, and I'll see if we can choose one that everyone agrees on. We could also decide to have some of you in lighter green and some in darker green." This might be a longshot, especially if you really want all of your bridesmaids to match. But just mentioning this option gets THEM thinking, and you get e-mails from them showing you the lighter vs. darker tones they prefer. You then have real information with which to make your decision. Would you like the effect of some bridesmaids in lighter shades and some in darker? That could be your solution, or you could re-affirm that you want all of your bridesmaids to match, and you'll find a different shade that suits them all. The point is to get THEM to show YOU what they want, and not just argue about a concept.
Or, if everyone's bickering about your choice of red for their dresses, and everyone's saying they prefer a lighter shade, you might take some time, think about it, and decide that you can accommodate their wishes. Conflicts flare up for a reason, and when you remove the impulse to take a stand for your original color choice, thinking instead about what works best for them AND what might turn out better for you, you get to a new choice all the quicker. And you'll still be satisfied when you're honest about what you like about the color you choose.
Copied from iVillage weddings ~ wedding expert Sharon Naylor
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Bickering Bridesmaids #2
Most often, bridesmaids fight about money. Some have it and some don't. Being in a bridal party is almost always an expensive proposition, even if you take a lot of budget shortcuts and find inexpensive dresses for them. There's still travel and lodging in some cases, shoes, showers, gifts and so on. It's a tough spot for a bridesmaid to be in when she loves you, but she doesn't have the funds to keep up with her wealthier cohorts.
So if you're getting complaints from a bridesmaid that the other bridesmaids are planning a super-expensive shower or bachalorette party, you can guide this bridesmaid as she solves her own dilemma. You don't have to step in and declare "Be nice to my money-challenged friend!" Just steer her this way:
1. "I know, my sisters and my friends can sometimes over-spend, and I totally understand how you must be feeling right now. I'm really sorry they made you feel uncomfortable."
2. "Just stand your ground and say that you can't contribute a few hundred dollars for the shower, but you can give whatever you can give, then offer to take on a planning task like doing the invitations. If you hired an invitations expert or calligrapher, it would be a few hundred dollars, after all. Tell (Maid of Honor) that you want to be a full planning partner, but if they can't change the plans to suit your budget, then you'll be happy to take on a few extra tasks to make up the difference. You would be saving them money."
3. "Make sure you decide ahead of time which tasks you want to work on, though. You don't want anyone to put setup and cleanup on you, make you cook, decorate on your own, etc. Just have a list ready to e-mail over, and tell her you'll be happy to talk with her about it. Just communicate with the Maid of Honor, though. Not everyone."
It's tough to help a bridesmaid navigate money issues in the bridal party, but this solution might be one that makes her feel better....and she'll get a lot of praise for her pretty invites or party favors!
When should you step in? It's a Must when you find that the other bridesmaids are talking about this money-challenged bridesmaid behind her back, or trashing her to you. Stand up for her with, "Are you aware of what med school/law school/college/raising a child costs? Do you have any idea how much of a financial burden she's carrying just to make her life better? In a few years, she's going to make triple your salary, so watch your karma. And please don't talk badly about my friend. You're all equals in my bridal party, and I wouldn't allow anyone to trash talk you. So knock it off, and allow her to contribute in other ways."
Make sure it's YOU who does the defending. You shouldn't hand this message through your Maid of Honor. When a problem between your bridesmaids lands at your feet, it's you who should give them a talking-to, always with the message of 'I love you all, and I would never allow anyone to treat you this way.'
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Article by wedding expert ~ Sharon Naylor at iVillage
Nagging: "To be a persistent source of annoyance or distraction. To irritate by constant scolding or urging." That is the definition from Merriam-Webster.
This is what an individual feels when they think they are being "nagged". Who wants to deal with the constant annoyance and scolding? Not any grown adult I know.
So what is the root of nagging? Depending on where you look, you may find different answers, but from what I've learned, nagging is a result of a lack of communication between two partners.
It is a way for one person to actually illicit a response from the other, albeit a negative response. When one partner feels like communication is failing, and they need some sort of interaction from their other half, they resort to any means necessary to get some interaction.
Nagging is one way to achieve this. They ride you and pester you until finally you retaliate with anger and frustration. It worked for them; they got you to say something. They now know you are listening to them, and that's really all they wanted. They wanted some attention, to know you hear them. What they hope for is a positive exchange between the two of you, but negative communication is better than no communication.
Everyone has a need to feel wanted, needed, and important to someone else. That is a big reason why we choose to be with our spouse in the first place. We love that they care for us, want to be with us, understand us, and want to grow with us.
When those feelings subside, we begin to feel very insecure. We miss the interaction, compassion, conversation and love that we grew so accustomed to. We crave that energy, and we want it back.
Instead of expressing that we need attention, we fall into the nagging phase. Afraid to rock the boat more permanently, we feel nagging is more short term. So we nag until we get the some response (attention) from our spouse. And this leads to a fight or argument, and snowballs the feelings of insecurity on both parties.
Can nagging, then, lead to an affair? The answer is absolutely yes! And the affair could come from either spouse. This is because when nagging occurs, it is a sign that the basic needs of husband and wife are not being met. You are not giving your spouse the attention, they need, the feeling of security, and so on and so forth.
Likewise, they feel that you are not providing them with those same needs, and thus they nag you until you come through for them. When basic needs aren't being met, physically or emotionally, a spouse will seek an alternate means to satisfy those needs. This is how affairs happen. If you fail to pay attention to your spouse, show sincere interest in them, and let them know how important you are to them, they will find someone who can provide these essential needs.
How can you overcome this? I suggest you each sit down (individually) and write down what "your" marriage profile is. A marriage profile is simply what you expect your marriage to be like. Start out from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed. Describe how your ideal day would go and where and how your spouse is included in that day.
Ask yourself these questions along the way:
* Do you share a meaningful conversation with your spouse when you wake up or do you just get ready for work?
*Do you eat meals together? Home or out?
*Do you call your spouse throughout the day or just wait until you get home?
*Do you think about your spouse during the day?
*Do you plan what you and your spouse will do later during the day or week? Any dates with your spouse?
*What do your conversations consist of?
*How many minutes during the day are you sharing meaningful conversation with your spouse?
*What activities do you do with your spouse?
*How do you end your evening with your spouse?
*Do you have meaningful conversation before bed?
*How happy are you after this "ideal" day?
Writing these things out and creating a profile is essential to happiness. Now see what your spouse has written and compare. This type of activity will create meaningful conversation and bring back the spark you are missing. Constant nagging is a sign that something is wrong in your relationship, and you need to address it before one partner decided to either have an affair or get a divorce.
You just learned a great exercise to help build a better, more trusting relationship with your spouse. Practice this exercise and you can help eliminate nagging in your marriage.
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